"Mishy gishy gushy gushy mishy mushy mooshy motherfucker." -Lester Freeman
Female audience member: Mr. Colbert, have you been fucking Matt Damon?
Stephen Colbert: Why? Did his dick taste like me?
-Studio, The Colbert Report
Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!
Rosenberg: Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg: TouchÈ.
That bastard. Talking about nonsense during a comedy routine. I'll kill him! Right in the face with my laser blasting cock of doom after I drive a tank through his house. And the tank will be manned by every single chick from Smallville in a bikini (Except Chloe.) This'll teach Dane Cook to be more serious with his comedy. Serious as a heart attack - with AIDS. EDIT: I've just been informed that Chloe is hot now. I, seriously, haven't watched the show in years. Let it not be said I'm not a reasonable man. She can come. But I hope she understands I run a tight ship/tank. Pillow fights mandatory and we break for strip clubs. Semper Fi! - The Superficial
"I think I was unconscious of the fact that I grew up in a home where food was slightly more important than in other kids' homes." - Anthony Bourdain
May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. - Neil Gaimian
9. You
Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism -- it's nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears' children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you're going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase "enhanced interrogation techniques." You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can't spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don't want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy's doing well. You're an idiot.
Exhibit A: You couldn't get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.
Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn't cover. You deserve it, chump. - Link
a man who needs an introduction like vibrator needs an owners manual - Eater
Momofukus are houses of pork, an ingredient in about 60 percent of the dishes, and the dinner menu at Ssäm Bar reads, "We do not serve vegetarian-friendly items." Just to rub a little suet in the wound, Chang says, "Vegetarians are a pain in the ass as customers. It's always 'I want this' or 'I don't want that.' Jesus Christ, go cook at home."
Being prolific is not difficult. It merely means putting down what is in ones head at a rate equal to which you have new ideas.
Roman power was at its zenith when every citizen acknowledged his liability to fight for the State, but that it began to decline as soon as this obligation was no longer recognized."--Pall Mall Gazette, 15th May 1906.
When your sliding into third And your pants fill up with turds Diarrhea... cha cha cha...
"This blog is collecting pictures of men who look like old lesbians. More amusing than I thought it would be." - kottke
Take the city you want to go to and just google up some restaurant names that serve the dish you're after. Then got to chowhound or another foodie site, and rather than asking about restaurants, you put up an enthusiastic post talking about how you just had the best whatever you're looking for at one of these restaurants.
At that point, [...] the nerdfury will begin. Posters will show up from nowhere to shower you with disdain, tell you how that place used to be good but has now totally sold out and -- most important to your quest -- will tell you where you would have gone if you were not some sort of mouth breathing water buffalo. - Link
If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then surely, all the good intention bricks have been used. So the only bricks left to pave the road to heaven are those of bad intention.
Woz wants me (Fake Steve Jobs) to be his best man.."So what could I do? I said, Sure thing, pal. Sure thing. You let me know what time and what to wear. I'll be there in jeans and a black turtleneck, two hours late." - Link
Remember, it's up to us. If Bigfoot exists, then we must preserve his habitat so that future generations may enjoy him. Unless he doesn't exist, in which case they won't. - Link
"The record industry was ruined by executives, and so was the video industry; and now the DVD industry is busy bullshitting itself into thinking it creates the product that it merely sells. It's as if greengrocers suddenly claimed credit for creating strawberries." - Eric Idle
"If there's no in-room porn, I'm not hitting any exercise at all." - Anthony Bourdain on an episode of No Reservations in Cleveland.
Kid Rock, seen here with his crack hanging out, spent the weekend partying with Paris Hilton. Had I been in town, I would've thrown a grenade at them. People might call that a bit drastic, but I'm not about to live in a world where the super-herpes these two would create ran free. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my penis how it is. You know, non-melted. - Link
looking for political savy man - w4m - 18 Date: 2007-08-14, 5:03PM EDT
Reply to: pers-397059165@craigslist.org
Hello men! I am moving to DC to attend Georgetown later this month. I am very interested in politics and Id love to meet some men who could show me around town and help get me into the political network.
I may be young, but I know what I want. and I want to get into politics. So teach me. Ill make it more than worth your while. Im willing to do anything it takes to succeed.
Send me a pic. let me know who you are and how you can introduce me to the political world. And we will go from there.
- Craigslist
"It was relatively easy for me to read the sitting president's body language after he had talked to his mother or father," Mr. Card said. "Sometimes he'd ask me a probing question. And I'd think, Hmm, I don't think that question came from him." - Link
"Your stepping on an awesome pun here. I don't need Oral, I need aureal." - Kevin Smith SModcast #20
If you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you.
Bender's Top Ten Most Frequently Uttered Words
10. Chump.
9. Chumpette.
8. Yours.
7. Up.
6. Pimpmobile.
5. Bite.
4. My.
3. Shiny.
2. Daffodil.
1. Ass.
"I'm blessed with tastebuds that don't get sick of the same food every day." - A coworker.
"Find a girlfriend who understands or shares your passion. By
“understand,” I mean she doesn’t mind you not being around,
and doesn’t mind playing second fiddle to your cameras. (If you
have a girlfriend like this, I hate you.)" - Ben Roberts is a 28-year-old freelance photographer based in London, UK.
The Internet used to be a university. Then it became a shopping mall. But now, it's a war zone. - Ed Borasky
On Britney Spears....as it were:
This guy must have just gotten released from prison or he hasn't been on a date in a while, because Britney is a damn fug nightmare. If my penis had frostbite and I had a choice of sticking it in Britney Spears or a pot of hot chili, I'd at least make sure nobody wanted any more. - Via IDontLikeYouInThatWay
This one is the one for Megatron, the guy who turned into a gun and needed someone else to fire him—the most co-dependent robot this side of Bender. - Gizmodo
Once you've heard enough words, writing becomes trivial. - Me
Unlike my huge wang, which is so massive its existence has threatened international security. Russian spy satellites can't figure out how to deal with it. Just like the women I bring home. They mostly just coo and swoon. - Because Justin thought I'd like this article. And I do.
"It's quite simple, really. You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it." - Stewie "Family Guy
'You know it's not always the nuns that get raped, sometimes it's the strippers.' - Geraldo Rivera (Fucking wow)
Susan: That er, that Steve guy; how well do you know him? Are you close?
Jeff: Close? We're porn buddies!
Susan: Porn buddies?
Jeff: Oh, yeah.
Susan: Is this code? Were you in prison together or something?
Jeff: No, no, no it's simple; it's a safety precaution, like a scuba driver swims with a buddy in case he runs out of air.
Susan: Okay, okay. Are you telling me that a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?
Jeff: No. Many years ago, me and Steve exchanged house keys--
Susan: Are you sure this isn't code?
Jeff: It isn't code.
Susan: Alright.
Jeff: In the event of Steve's death the first thing I would do --upset though I will be-- is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.
Susan: You're kidding!
Jeff: And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are!
Susan: You two have seriously made plans to destroy each other's dirty mags?
Jeff: Who said, "destroy?" Remove.
Susan: you wouldn't keep them?
Jeff: It's a perk.
Susan: Oh, Jeff.
Jeff: That's the beauty of it, you see. Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side!
-Coupling
"Hey Kevin, do you have a photo of yourself pouting in the bathroom mirror showing a wee bit too much cleavage? If not, GET ONE. It's the only way you'll survive." - a reply to Kevin Smith starting a MySpace account
" I thought about speaking out against the war, but then i saw what they did to them dixie chicks and i thought to myself if they are gonna do that to 3 white girls from texas, imagine what they would do to my black ass." - Dave Chappelle.
What did I learn from working for a woman the categorized porn for Ask Jeeves? "It's not just you."
Google: Number of employees.. 4183 [google.com]
Net earnings: $1.297 billion.
Revenus $5.25 billion
IBM: Number of employees...369277[networkworld.com]
Net earnings: $7.797 billion.
Revenues: $94 billion
MSFT: Number of employees... 57000 [networkworld.com]
Net earnings: 12.867 billion.
Revenues $40.340 billion
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois:Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....
Lois:Is there no hope?
Peter:Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
<-- SFanning has quit (screw this...)
09.27.2005 - 11:35.06
Jageoffry is a homo.
BF2 pweennzzzz youuuu!!111
09.26.2005 - 00:13.40
With respect.
I like what you have done on your site here. Your a good writer for the most part.
Ryan.....Sapo......
09.25.2005 - 22:30.46
Geoffe, your such a narnar.
John, b5mC
Tipping is *not* appreciated - Cow Management
You ever try to squeeze out a fart at work and accidentally shit your pants?
Then someone catches you throwing your underwear away at the dumpster and you make it worse by saying They're not mine! - Robert Schimmel
Astronaut Collins got interviewed a few months ago and the interviewer asked "What's the significance of having a female pilot for the Return to Flight"?
Collins gave the reporter a half-condesending look and said "There is no significance".
"Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggots Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er . . . I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggots Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!"
the "angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat"
I'm from Earth. I've spent a bit of time underwater, and a bit of time flying, and you might convince me that Cyberspace is somewhere else, but otherwise I've been on Earth, and I'll probably stay near here unless rockets get really cheap really soon. Occasionally folks will draw imaginary lines in the dirt and declare the people on the other side to be "foreign", but that's downright rude as well as stupid. I've been to places where the locals speak English better than I speak the language they use to speak to their kids (or don't), but some of those places are across big stretches of water from where I live and others are just downtown or in a nearby big city.
There's a nice sign in the Thor Heyedahl Kontiki museum in Oslo saying "Borders? I have never seen one, but I heard they exist in the minds of most people."
--
Bill Stewart
(12:28:50) one AM: think you're so smart
(12:28:59) one AM: you're just a wang and a pretty face
(12:29:12) MrPants tm: yeah
(12:29:14) MrPants tm: but reallyu
(12:29:17) MrPants tm: what else do you need
(12:29:38) one AM: nice shoes?
(12:29:40) MrPants tm: is it better than the Nesticles
(12:29:42) one AM: you're right
(12:29:46) one AM: that's all you need
Funk83: the tip of the penis is attached to the back of that pouch so it functions as a working clit
Funk83: crazy
one AM: very informative, Joe
Funk83: oh shit that wasn't for you
but who was it for. the mystery continues.
140 days, 0 hours, 14 minutes, 35 seconds
It's a dark day indeed. Some stupid webpage bullocks my uptime. Oh well, time to catch up on Windows Updates. Cheers
138 days, 19 hours, 25 minutes, 0 seconds
125 days, 21 hours, 49 minutes, 37 seconds
100 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes, 27 seconds
Home for the Thanksgiving. 63 days, 23 hours, 16 minutes, 57 seconds
Worky Worky
Done with that stupid test.
I'm working on this computer ATM. Expected delays and reboots == Microsoft. But 48 days, 21 hours, 58 minutes, 1 second up time. w00t.